I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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