Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
