Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Success! We fucked roommates!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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