somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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