just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
