You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
