1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
