If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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