Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
