You just made me feel so damn special
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
