SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
