somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
