you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
