seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
