watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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