My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
