i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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