I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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