I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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