In the future we'll all be gay
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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