I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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