So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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