What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
