Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
