You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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