just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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