she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
