I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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