Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
