well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
