You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
