you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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