A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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