toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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