you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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