Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My vagina is officially offended.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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