Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
