Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
