Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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