apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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