I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
