my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
