She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
