you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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