i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
