I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
