the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
