yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
