His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We left the knife in your bed.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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