you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
