Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
