i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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