im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
