I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
