Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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