my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
